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  • Writer's pictureNicole Danielle

STORIES FROM THE ROAD | What the world never saw...

On this week's episode of the "Somewhere Road" podcast, Meg & I dive deep into the topic of insecurities. It's not always easy sharing these pieces of ourself with the world but when we find the stength to do so, we see that we're not alone in this thing called life.


I don't want to use this space to share the details of our own stories in this lifetime - come on y'all, just check it out for your own self (EP 3 "Hurt People Hurt People"). We promise it won't disappoint! ;-)


While the original idea of "Somewhere Road" came from my own life, it truly wouldn't be what it is becoming had it not been for one conversation Meg & I had months ago that really shed awareness of the things we hide, the truth we mask in life that we don't want others to see.


Why would anyone knowingly give others the ability to judge us even more?


As you know by now, Meg & I met in college. To me, Meghan "Shorty" Vitti was this absolute badass young woman who owned her strength & feminitity in a way I had never once seen any female do before. And to Meg, I was this image of a young woman she thought excuded a different kind of light, confidence & the attention of the boys in the room. But what we never knew was each others' own personal struggles & insecurities that we had dealt with for so long in our own lives. I never knew the broken parts of Meg's childhood that did a lot of damage to her young life. And she never knew of the "darkness" I had locked inside.



The night before we recorded this past episode of the podcast, "Hurt People Hurt People. A deep dive into our personal insecurities & how to find the confidence to not let them define you," I was going through an old box of mine with a journal filled with old poems I had written in my college years. I don't just consume myself with the past, there was a reason for it, as I've been toying with the idea of incorporating some of them into the next book I'm writing. As I was reading through these different pieces of poetry that were written by 20 year old me, I came across one specific writing that compeltely halted me to the point I broke down crying reading it.


Me, now, and this shell of the person I now feel I once was - that "bright light" who walked through the world, dreaming big dreams & belieivng anything was possible in life - fought so many unexplainable demons inside. That girl, this version of me I look at and man, I just wish she had been kinder to herself. I wish she never let the world break her. I wish she never lost that sparkle & light. I wish she could have seen what so many others saw back then. But she never did. I never did because, since a young age, the narrative had become I was never "enough." I was told I didn't have a voice, so stay quiet. I was told to not shine so bright. I was told to hide these pieces of myself that were a part of me. I was told to be ashamed and to hate part of myself, including my dark brown eyes because they came from my Italian roots. I wasn't deserving of anyone to truly love or to see the real me because well, I wasn't "deserving" of that kind of realness and beauty in my life. So I hid behind another painted smile, sparkles on my eyes, and the idea of "Nicole Danielle" I gave the world just enough of a glimpse of to see. None of it ever, being the truth I knew inside.


In epsiode 3, we get to a place of vulberability I don't even know we could have anticipated getting to this early on. While you all are given a real intimate look & knowing into Meg's personal story & journey in life, I did want to take this blog post to also share a little more insight into mind. We've been nothing but real & honest since we started this thing so I figure there's nothing to lose at this point than keep on keepin' on down this path.


So, I decided to share that poem with all of you that I came across the other night. The girl you see in that photo, smiling with sunglasses covering her eyes... that's me, in college. With Meg, next to me. And while that smiling image is what Meg always saw of me, here's the real truth I wrote about & struggled with the reflection I saw of my own self....


AN UNFAMILIAR REFLECTION (Written by: Nicole Danielle, 2001)


6:35 AM

Tumbling off the bed

Barely standing up at all

Approaching the locked door

FREEZE!


There is a face staring back at me

Yet I must question the existence of this person in the first place

A face that's beautiful to all

Renaissance-sculptured wih chocolate eyes deeper than the ocean

Goddess-like mane of delicate waves trembling down

Yet never perfect enough

Curves that could be dangerous

block the tunnel to inner truth


Who would want to look at this seemingly undeveloped chest?

Who would want to caress this apparently pudding-filled stomach?

Who would want to walk with this damaged hand held within his own?

This skin

once a golden brown

now a pale yellow


This girl

so full of life

loves to dream

Appears to be the Jekyl of her inner Hyde


Inner beauty is the truth to an individual's existence

It is where the soul breathes

But how often do men

Look there to satisfy their needs?

Instead it's always poster-girls

pinned up to gawk at in awe

Why can't that be what I see?


Reach for the handle

Run out the door

Up the hill

To find a haven


A place compiled of bone-chilling metal bars

Objects appear to be weapons ready to crush your current self

Eyes that watch your every move,

Making sure you don't surpass their own sculpted self

by introducing unmentioned competition

Fat facts on the wall

As MTV shows beauties on the beach wearing a tad bit more than nakedness


For 45 minutes

on one of these written-in-a-foreign-language machines

Push and push

Right-left-right-left

Harder... Harder

Reminding

"You won't get anywhere

by remaining what you are."

See it... Envision it

The lights

The film

The people

they call a familiar name

It's not sweat

but the imperfect image fading away

Drip

Drip

Drip


Machine after machine

Watching the minute hand move

from one black spec to the next

Two-and-a-half hours later

not sure whether to continue into this deadly state

or remain in temporary satisfaction


Dash to the bathroom

What do I see?

Physically aching

Mentally exhausted

That unfamiliar reflection

..."Oh, my God... It's me!"



I share in hopes that when we sit with the truth of the darkness we've all had locked inside, may we choose to be a little bit kinder. To others. But most importanlty, to our own selves.


Here's me giving 20 year old me a great big hug right now. Reminding her, she really was something special.


And so are each and every single one of you.


XO,

Nicole

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